so I’ve moved beyond being a heartbroken OW to another emotionally charged issue and I’d love some input from you all since you all have come to know me in a very real (although anonymous) way.
I am dating an older (SINGLE) man (early 50′s). I’m in my mid/late 30′s and I have young children. His children are teenagers. We’ve been seeing each other for several months and amazingly, we have a lot of real interests in common, despite the age difference.
I’m not sure how to approach the topic of where he sees things going without freaking him out and thinking I’ve planned the rest of our lives together. I’ve never dated after divorce or with children, so I’m trying to navigate this properly.
I don’t even know if I SHOULD broach the topic. Normally, I don’t think I would, but because I have children, it seems logical that I would only consider pursuing a relationship that would have the possibility of being RIGHT for the long haul… It doesn’t make sense to pursue a relationship that will only lead to a dead end with no possibility of a future.
In other words, if I’m going to spend my time in a relationship and with the possibility of getting hurt and losing at love, I want it to at least be for the right reasons (ie: a relationship that at least COULD lead to something more)
UGH… I know he and I need to address this topic at SOME POINT… I just don’t know when or how…
Help?
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December 4, 2009 at 2:08 am
misfitmistress
hey there! thanks for your kind words… i hope you enjoyed your thanksgiving! as for your situation- i dont really know what advice to give other than to listen to your gut… i thing that, as OW, we lose that sense. when we were OW we knew certain things- we knew we should run- but we didnt. now that you have, what sounds like, a good relationship in front of you- you have to listen to what your heart and gut is telling you. what do you have to loose if you bring up the topic? worst thing would be if you broke up because of it… but i guarantee that wont be as hard as some of the recovery you have done in the past because of your affair… so if you need to know- then bring it up… if you want to wait, then wait. you have nothing but time. just dont play games. definitely let us know how it goes!
December 12, 2009 at 1:57 am
Heartbroken OW
Thanks MM. I had a great Thanksgiving – spent it with my new guy (NG) and had a fantastic weekend.
I spent last week really obsessing over all of this though and was a bit of a mess. Then I realized I’d been forgetting to take my zoloft
so all is well again (*whew*)
I did mention that I cared about him. (wussed out beyond that) and told him I didn’t want him to feel backing into a corner or that he is a rebound.
So, once again, I am comfortable just going with the flow. Emotions suck when they build up and can’t be let out. I guess that is what I was dealing with.
December 11, 2009 at 10:57 pm
tvexplorer
Are the two of you planning on getting married? The reason I’m asking is, I wouldn’t worry about that until things reach that point. For now, just go with it. Don’t be too much of a long-term planner. Yes, how well your kids mesh with his (older) children is an issue, but until you actually talk about combining families, fuh-get about it, as they say.
What’s important now is, do you enjoy being with him? Followed by is he an excellent lover? Followed by does he have shit-loads of money? (Just kidding on that last one.
)
December 12, 2009 at 2:02 am
Heartbroken OW
TV, no talks of marriage lol – but it’s something that, with young children, I don’t feel that I have the luxury of just wasting time with someone who I can’t *see* still around way down the road… but yes, I AM totally loving our time together. He is very attentive when we are together, fun, great sense of humor… freakin’ handsome and sexy (AMAZING lover). That answers your first two questions. The answer to the third (even though you were kidding) is that he DID, but his ex-wife got it all. AAALLLLLLLL of it (he had already retired 10 yrs ago) But he’s working his way back.
December 12, 2009 at 5:34 pm
misfitmistress
just checking in on you to say that i hope great things have been going on in your life! i hope you are enjoying the christmas season… we had our first “big” snow here… i even had school closed the other day- which was great fun for me to lay around my house and catch up on laundry and chores (ewww.. homeownership makes me sound so old!)
December 14, 2009 at 6:55 am
dragona
hi. i am also an OW. but i am at the same time tied up with a dead marriage. everyday i go through a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions which tortures me no end. i hope to read more…i also hope to find some support
December 28, 2009 at 3:02 am
Heartbroken OW
I’m so sorry that you are struggling, dragona. read around at some of the sites on my blogroll. It really does help. and maybe start a blog of your own. writing is so liberating for me.
hang in there.
December 27, 2009 at 6:28 am
mongoose1
Sometimes simply relaxing and taking things as they come can be very rewarding. I’d suggest if you like where you’re going just wait and see.
BTW, I was thinking about you so I decided to pop in and see how you were doing. Couldn’t be more delighted at the change in your life! Good for you!
December 28, 2009 at 3:04 am
Heartbroken OW
Mongoose!! good to see you around. Thanks for thinking of me and stopping by – and for being happy for me. I really like where I am right now. I’m hoping to be able to take everyone’s advice and just relax and enjoy and see where it goes.
January 13, 2010 at 6:05 am
melinda
HI Heartbroken OW! I too want to wish you the best for a Happy New Year and was checking in to see how you are doing. You sound really wonderful and I am so happy to hear this! I wish you the best with this new guy….enjoy yourselves!
Me too I have come to see the liar and loser my MM was and still is, but I am also seeing the mistakes I made in ignoring lots of red flags. I am so glad not to be the one stuck with him for life. (I never thought I would say or feel this). I too am dating and getting used to the very different energy of “available” men vs. the MM I got so used to who was never there for me really. The new life is far far better than the old one even if the all the drama of being an OW was intoxicating at times (and it was in fact). I have found in fact that I like ‘reality’ a lot better!
M.