That is how everything seems right now.
My mood is darker these past couple of days. In many ways, I feel more sadness, sorrow and emptiness now than I did the first couple of weeks after the affair ended. Maybe it is just the reality of the finality of it all sinking in deeper.
Last night I went for my daily run. I like to do it at night, after the children are all tucked in bed and I can finally exhale and know that I’ve made it through one more day.
The other benefit to running at night is that no one can see me crying.
I usually cry during some part of my run. Last night I cried through all of it and again when I finished. I was doing my stretches and ended up laying in the grass staring into the sky and sobbing. I cried as I fell asleep…
I talk to him. I tell him how I feel. He doesn’t hear it. But it helps for that moment. It’s just another one of my coping mechanisms.
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September 11, 2009 at 6:20 pm
reborn
Hi, HB,
Gray it is. All of us accept some kind of grayness to get involved in these relationships. Is it ok for me to love more than one man? Or for you to share one man’s love with another woman? While most have a black and white reaction, ours is gray. It is clear that we can love more than one person in our lives. Love is not a pie, after all. (Great short story by Amy Bloom — I suggest you all read it right now!) But society and maybe biology promote the one-one thing. We can all accept a little grayness in order to become involved. But is that the deal that their wives or my husband signed up for? Not in my case. If it were then maybe these relationships would work out. We just wanted a relationship that had nothing to do with kids and mortgage and laundry. And I got it. But eventually light from another source shines on it and it is either black or white after all. And it leaves me feeling gray too.
My OM contacted me this week. It was so nice to hear from him. Not sure how or if to respond. Need to travel to his town next week. Scared to tell him I will be there. Scared to not tell him…
September 12, 2009 at 12:51 am
Heartbroken OW
I was just reading your comment on MM’s blog.
This is all so hard. so so hard.
I did have a major screaming fit this evening. Kids were gone – house to myself, and I tried to let it all out. (HAHAHAH!!!!!! nice try, right? it will take a lot more that that) I screamed and yelled and cussed and cried. If someone could have seen me they would have thought that I was totally and utterly insane!!!!! And I feel like I am sometimes.
I mean really – I would have to be to think a lot of the things that I do when it comes to him and us and the affair…
September 13, 2009 at 3:14 am
Reborn
You are not At all crazy. Just heartbroken. It sucks something awful to be cast aside without any real sense of closure. I hate this and it was my choice to end it. I had time to process and think about it. You did not. Everything was out of your control. What else can you do but scream? It does help. Everyone goes through a breakup. These are tougher than others. We get no support from our relations. No one knows it existed but the sorry few. And they are not going to help. Keep writing. Keep screaming! You can do this.
September 13, 2009 at 7:40 pm
michelle
HB – you’re not crazy! But if you could bottle this love up and sell it you’d rule the world.
Here’s another wrinkle to my situation – my oh so charming exMM is a powerful person in our community – not to ‘be on his side’ is social suicide. Although no one knows why – he is shunning me…..my friends are quietly just not including me now too. I almost feel like I need to tell everyone before I lose everything/everyone……but that could never be good…it’s hard to imagine it much worse.
September 14, 2009 at 12:51 am
misfitmistress
HBOW- i know the feeling of gray too well… and the tears that come without end. you WILL get over this… i cant wait to read your blogs that talk about your runs without tears!
michelle- is there someone you think you can trust? i was fortunate enough to have a bestfriend that also worked at the common summer job R and i shared that i was able to confide in. knowing i had that one ally was so empowering…
September 14, 2009 at 7:46 pm
michelle
After this long it seems better not to involve anyone else.
September 15, 2009 at 3:10 am
michelle
This just keeps getting better…Membership in this ‘Welcome to Hell Club’sucks…his wife emailed me a really venomous letter today. I don’t really know her, she’s never contacted me before – turns out she’s articulate…and mean. I’m left to wonder what prompted this. Oddly,I find there is amazing comfort in knowing she can be such a witch..no wonder he wanted a chance just to be loved. But, oh wait, he chose her – yikes! I’ve tried to reverse the situation in my head – nope, I just couldn’t be so vicious. Have you had encounters with his wife – 6 months later?! TV said his wife was so mean to his OW it sent her to the hospital. Doesn’t sound like he had any choice….still, he thinks of his wife as ‘sweet’. I’m so confused….I’m numb….had to leave work…this..isn’t…happening.
September 15, 2009 at 3:30 am
Heartbroken OW
oh no, Michelle.
What was her purpose in doing so? Hasn’t it been many months since it ended? Does he know that she sent it?
I still don’t understand why people stay in a marriage like that… I don’t know that I’ll ever understand it… Sure, it’s hard being single – it’s not my comfy life i had before. But it’s better than what I had on so many other levels. I am FEELING things again. I am CONNECTING again. I don’t feel dead. The hurt right now has got to be better than not feeling anything. I think all of our xMMs are probably brain dead when they are at home. checked out already.
But for whatever reason they are happy to sit in that.
September 14, 2009 at 11:49 pm
reborn
I know Michelle. I cannot burden anyone else with this. I know how that is. It is so awful and all of my friends are my husband’s friends. And they all love him just like they love me. Of course they would be mad at me. And tell me not to do it. And tell me it is wrong. And maybe never speak to me again. Basically everything I DO NOT want to hear. Ask me a year ago and I would have made the same judgements I know they would make now.
It is only me and my OM who know. We have another friend who had her suspicions but I lied to her face. So it is really just us two with secrets that bind us together. Until the grave. We will never be free. Makes this shit even harder.
MM you are so lucky to have a friend who you can trust. Who is your ally and will not judge you.
September 15, 2009 at 2:25 am
Heartbroken OW
it does make a difference to be able to have someone who you can talk to about it. If you can’t, just keep making the rounds with us!!
Some of that stuff you just don’t want to hear from someone who has never been in the situation. NO can understand how this side of things feels unless they’ve been through it.
I’ve told one person who was an outsider to it all. It has helped. But even she doesn’t want to hear me talk about him being a good person. She thinks he’s a cad for being able to do what he did. And because I still care about him, I don’t want anyone else trash talking him! (ugh….)
September 15, 2009 at 1:54 pm
michelle
Yeah, I’ve decided I must be chair of the ‘Wound of the Day’ subcommittee within this Club from Hell. Healing? It ain’t never gonna happen.
HB – D-day was 6 months ago..
And – let me know if you think this was okay – I forwarded it with my apologetic response to him – I should have CCed it but thought about it too late. Guess I didn’t want to hide anything…or have it be manipulated.
I don’t plan any more contact with them…these people are nuts.Lucky him – he can have her! Yikes!