There are many moments throughout my day when I am stopped in my tracks. Moments when I once again remember that it’s over. Moments when I realize that time just keeps ticking on. Moments when I realize that as much as I try to will him to text me or contact me, he never will. Moments when I realize that one day, maybe already, he won’t think about me at all.
For obvious reasons, I dread those moments. Reality bites. And no amount of false hope is going to change my reality.
The problem is that the aftermath of an affair makes it hard to sort fact from fiction. I became adept at believing what I wanted to believe. Seeing what I wanted to see. All of my days during the affair, prior to D-day were spent creating an alternate reality; one in which he and I could be together happily forever. Even though people want to deny it and claim that affairs are temporary insanity (maybe? who knows…) THAT WAS MY REALITY. Even if it was based on half-truths and deceit, IT WAS REAL. It REALLY happened. The reasons don’t matter. The details don’t matter. What matters is that it happened. For whatever reason.
REAL = REALITY.
But D-day takes that reality and shreds, stomps and shits on it. Suddenly, that reality gets second-guessed. It gets us scorned. It makes us weep. Everything is turned over on its head.
My footing seems shaky. What was real is no longer real. I spend most of my day on auto-pilot, pretending. My days now seem less real than the days in the affair did.
***********
This song couldn’t be any more true than now…
Feist: “I Feel It All”
I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside
Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun
I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn’t rest I didn’t stop
Did we fight or did we talk
Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun
I love you more
I love you more
I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make
I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside
Oh I’ll be the one to break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll end it though you started it
The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide
16 comments
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September 11, 2009 at 3:00 am
Anne V.
Ugh. The reality of the unreality is the most brutal, heart ripping, self betrayal EVER.
September 11, 2009 at 5:36 am
melinda
HB OW
he is NOT just merriliy going along but you are left with the work of processing a divorce PLUS an affair
if you are anything at all like me, the affaisr pain masks some of the marriage stuff
i met “T” 6 months after getting separated from my Xhusband…it was a way to deal with the shock and fear of being a single mom and divorced person
it worked for a few years….
then it stopped working…..
i saw him “T” last weekend a few times…it was awkward as hell, poignant and very very sad….he is trying to get me to say or do something
he is begging for me to come back but won’t say it out loud and it has to be all on his terms
i will get nothing but what i had which was being the “OW” forever! as we know, that sucks…
anyhow i could see it that he he just doesn’t “go merrily on his way”…he’s affected too but he’s hiding with his wife…who must always forgive him so i guess he feels i should just forgive him and go back to my zero position
what a guy, huh? LOL
NO WAY!
September 11, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Heartbroken OW
It is sad that I envy you, Melinda… I know that there is nothing to envy about being the other woman. Logically I know not to wish that on anyone. But I am just stuck longing for him and for us…
My mood is way too melancholy right now.
The sad thing is, that the further time distances us, the more I’m realizing that what I felt really was love.
(and yes – the affairs pain totally eclipsed the marriage/divorce stuff)
September 11, 2009 at 3:41 pm
michelle
HBow – Many will tell you it wasn’t REAL love (I’ve noticed that people who say this are usually counseling spouses…).Maybe for some it isn’t but I KNOW and you know it was. Doesn’t change anything though – as my exMM said society ruled that he couldn’t fall in love with anyone else whether he did or not – well put, I guess. Still doesn’t change a thing.
Here’s the part that worries me – at 7 months out instead of getting better I’m just more sad that it’s more certain we’re never going to be friends or talk again. It would be best if I could get mad. Maybe you can.It seems to be the healthiest response.
I really just WANT to stop caring!!!
September 11, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Heartbroken OW
I do too Michelle. I feel myself sinking further in to sadness. I’m back to crying more and feeling more despair. When I’m not crying, the tears are sitting just below the surface ready to come out when I have a moment alone.
I haven’t been able to get mad at him yet. If I do, it’s only for brief moments. And even then, it’s only anger about him not reaching out to me. Not over anything about him.
I want to stop caring too…
September 12, 2009 at 2:23 am
melinda
HB OW and Michelle
i must be making progress as I AM getting mad finally
Did I love my MM? Yes and it too was REAL! However in seeing him now because I have no freakin’ choice i catch other glimpses too
i just posted over at TV and this is what I said
hope u dont mind the double post but i am exhausted tonight
I said:
its friday and my ex MM is around my again and so this merry-go-round never seems to end…….
i try to avoid him but we bump in the empty space around our empty lives
i am so utterly so miserable some times but lately i have one glimmer of hope: i am starting to see that maybe i did love my MM, but also i see have no respect left for him anymore. None. His main objective in his life is for me to not “get him caught”
not “get him in the big trouble he dreads”
SO he keeps a very close, wary eye on me but he still wants me back as long as it is all on his terms i keep my mouth SHUT…
of course this pisses me off no end and sometimes i just want to scream at the top of my lungs at him in public and say YOU ARE A CHEAT! but alas, I don’t
I am having a clearer and clearer picture of the real man I am dealing with not the one in my head. The real one is a coward and a cheater, even if he has other very good points. And I am beginning to really see that even if he loved me i’d be up sh-t’s creek anyhow, because it would be me he would be cheating on, not “her”
i am still very miserable in general but at least i am not feeling like being with him would make me that happy either…four and a half months since i left the affair and counting the loooonnnggg minutes one by one…aargh
September 12, 2009 at 2:26 am
melinda
How long were each of you involved with your MM’s may I ask?
September 12, 2009 at 2:50 am
michelle
ell, that depends when you define it started. We spent time together alone for about a year. Then we became intimate for almost another year….so is that one year or two? He was my best friend. But I guess I was deluding myself.
September 12, 2009 at 3:03 am
Heartbroken OW
Melinda (first of all GOOD JOB getting mad. I firmly believe that that is part of the healing process. And it sounds like you are getting there – even though it still hurts, you ARE making progress!!!)
I was involved with my xMM for three months. We were in CONSTANT contact though. Talked for hours and hours and hours; texted all day long and talked and chatted on the phone throughout the day.
I knew him in high school – we lost touch and got back in touch and within a couple of weeks we were addicted to each other…
September 12, 2009 at 10:24 pm
melinda
thanks for your replies both of you
i wonder if the length of time even matters?
i felt so sick getting angry at my ex MM while still missing him at the same time…its this mixture of emotions that is so hard for me i think
i have been repeating to myself “I am not a victim” over and over
i have no idea where i got that idea but today i had the thought as i walked by the place where he always works on weekends that I did and do always have choices in life and that i can make mine depending on what i feel is right for me and anytime i like, i can change those choices, right?
it seems so dumb but with an MM there seems to be so little choice in the whole thing….like i am dragged into the situation and then, even when i am dying to get out of it, i can’t get out! either its because i have all the pain or else, i can’t stand the pain and i go back to the MM, or because he does everything in his power to look all pathetic and lonely and send out the “SOS” call
today i was trying to think about my choices and things i can do with bits of information
some days with my MM wasnt i just responding to a booty call not an “SOS”?
did my MM really need my help? or was it just a dumb trick some of the time? and how about me? was i really that dumb to not know he was never treating either of us very well?
still in all i feel sick with all the memories and my seeming inability to escape it all (or even leave it all behind)
as for the wife of the MM i always think she looks very pretty, and put together, and like nothing is wrong
she is better looking than he is in my opinion but i can not for the love of me figure out how she can be so blind to her man as i would wager he has cheated their entire marriage of almost 20 years….I no longer think i was the only OW…….i wonder whether maybe she cheats too but why do i even care?
September 14, 2009 at 4:33 pm
reborn
all this speaks to is how sex is so powerful. it can make us believe anything is real and anything is possible. i am not sure how old you two are. i am 41. is this a mid-life thing? never before in my life would i have imagined that sex could be so powerful or make me do and think things that are not moral, right, correct, or could any way be construed as a good idea. by anyone. i am totally gaga for this guy and it has just got to be the sex. i am not sure what else it could be.
and the fact that i could tell no one just increased my ability to fool myself. yes, my OM was great, sexy handsome charming sweet. but he is not in any other way a good partner for me. but it was the sex, i think that made me addicted to him. he wanted me so bad and the feeling was completely mutual. never had i felt this way. is this what haves such a hold on me? so that we cannot forget about it and move on? are we in a place in our lives where this is the only thing that will make us feel good about ourselves? maybe that’s (one of) my promblem(s).
maybe this is why those other men keep doing it. they are addicted to the sex but make it something more because they feel bad about doing it just for the sex?
September 14, 2009 at 4:36 pm
reborn
and by the way i am considering seeing him again and sex is a distinct possibility so maybe i am addicted to sex as well. (can I be an addict if I only did it once with the OM? YES! LOL)
September 14, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Heartbroken OW
I loved the sex with xMM too. And felt and thought things sexually in a way I never had ever before! E.V.E.R. That developed after the emotional connection and friendship had already started. I think that just intensified the longing and arousal for him sexually. But I have never been MORE freakin’ turned on by anyone in my life.
I met someone over the weekend (He’s NOT MARRIED!!! YEAH!!!!) I like him. I’m trying not to compare him to xMM.
HOWEVER, I have actually had long extended periods of NOT thinking about xMM, which has been WONDERFUL.
I think part of this is about me coping with getting over xMM, so I’m being cautious… but I’m determined to enjoy the ride for now.
(BTW, I’m 38… just starting into my sexual prime, according to statistics and science… so maybe you are onto something, Reborn.)
September 14, 2009 at 11:45 pm
reborn
Awesome HBOW! Meet someone else. That’ll help. Rebound relationships are not so good I hear. But rebound sex can be incredible! See where this takes you. And maybe it’ll keep you busy enough so the pain will not be so horribble. I am so happy for you!
September 15, 2009 at 3:34 am
Heartbroken OW
Reborn – that is what I’m going with right now – I need a distraction. And I need to have some laughter.
October 19, 2009 at 4:08 am
wakingpersephone
I’m sorry you’re hurting over this heartbroken. I’ve just started a blog myself and just got out of an affair.
Even though people want to deny it and claim that affairs are temporary insanity (maybe? who knows…) THAT WAS MY REALITY. Even if it was based on half-truths and deceit, IT WAS REAL. It REALLY happened. The reasons don’t matter. The details don’t matter. What matters is that it happened. For whatever reason.
I just wrote a post talking about some of the things you’ve mentioned in your last few posts. There’s a reasong this gets so complex and confusing. You might find it interesting/useful. I’ve had 3 affairs. I know whereof I speak
Take care
persephone