There are many moments throughout my day when I am stopped in my tracks. Moments when I once again remember that it’s over. Moments when I realize that time just keeps ticking on. Moments when I realize that as much as I try to will him to text me or contact me, he never will. Moments when I realize that one day, maybe already, he won’t think about me at all.

For obvious reasons, I dread those moments. Reality bites. And no amount of false hope is going to change my reality.

The problem is that the aftermath of an affair makes it hard to sort fact from fiction. I became adept at believing what I wanted to believe. Seeing what I wanted to see. All of my days during the affair, prior to D-day were spent creating an alternate reality; one in which he and I could be together happily forever. Even though people want to deny it and claim that affairs are temporary insanity (maybe? who knows…) THAT WAS MY REALITY. Even if it was based on half-truths and deceit, IT WAS REAL. It REALLY happened. The reasons don’t matter. The details don’t matter. What matters is that it happened. For whatever reason.

REAL = REALITY.

But D-day takes that reality and shreds, stomps and shits on it. Suddenly, that reality gets second-guessed. It gets us scorned. It makes us weep. Everything is turned over on its head.

My footing seems shaky. What was real is no longer real. I spend most of my day on auto-pilot, pretending. My days now seem less real than the days in the affair did.

***********

This song couldn’t be any more true than now…

Feist: “I Feel It All”

I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside

Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun

I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn’t rest I didn’t stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun

I love you more
I love you more
I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I’ll be the one to break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll end it though you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide