Last night I went to bed early. I’ve had a really bad couple of days, and frankly, I was effin’ tired of checking my email and cell and playing along with the rest of the OCD tendencies I’ve suddenly found myself chained to.

I didn’t expect my brain to just shut off when I got into bed. And I was right… I laid there trying to hate him. Wanting to hate him. Knowing that I’m lying to myself about how wonderful he was/is and fabulous our affair was.

I want to see things realistically. I want to stop lying to myself and cheating myself out of entire chunks of my day, but it’s hard, because, like any other addiction, I have a tendency to feel guilty pulling away from it. Why do I feel as though I owe him some sort of loyalty still? Is it the only way that I can validate my feelings?

What I found myself doing was thinking up descriptive words for him, much like I did a couple of weeks ago, when I was “lying to myself“. Only this time I tried being realistic about his behaviors and what it really showed about this person that I am consumed with.

Liar
Cheater
Addict (I’m beginning to wonder if he does have a propensity towards sexual addiction. But maybe that is just heightened along with everything else about an affair.)
Arrogant
Egotistical
Selfish
Abrasive

Yes he is also many wonderful and amazing things as well. And I do think that he is a good person. But each of these adjectives are things that I was willing to overlook at the time, and the truth is that they were there. Whether he directed them at me, or someone else (eg: his wife), they are parts of him.

I still want to hear from him. I still want him to read my apology. I still think about him all of the time. But I’m trying to be realistic about him.

I owe it to myself.

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