I sent him a letter.

handwritten… return address included…

I can’t tell you how many times I read it and reread it and reread it and reworded it… but it’s sent. I sent it to the house he grew up in; not his current home. He’ll still receive it, but it won’t be intercepted and shredded by the wife first.

Not sure that I want him to reply.

Who am i kidding… I want him to reply, but only if it’s not to tell me to fuck off. Any other response I can handle. But to be told that after writing a heartfelt apology to him (and his wife) I think I would be forced to crawl under a rock, sucking my thumb in a fetal position.

I debated about writing it forever. It was a step that I really felt I had to take in order to heal. I thought that after I wrote it, I might be content to just tear it up and burn it. But I couldn’t shake the need to send it. I held onto it for several days tossing around what to do. After all, the last letter I sent was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I didn’t want to make that monumental of a fuck up again.

I didn’t address it to his wife, just him. But I did apologize for the hurt I caused her and his family.

There won’t ever be an apology from him. In his mind, he didn’t do me wrong; just his wife.

So what do I expect to have happen from writing it?

For me: healing and closure. I’m not looking for it to bring him back to me. There was no mention of missing him. Just an apology for acting so damn stupid in the end.

For him: I honestly don’t know what to expect, so I’m not expecting anything. He may not even receive it or read it. He may either be told it’s at the house and just have it thrown away, or he may have it held onto until he can pick it up and read it. I’ve been praying all day that it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Honest to God, I’m not trying to stir anything up with him and his wife. I’m done with drama. That was never what I wanted in the first place. I am probably the least dramatic person you’d ever meet. It’s not my thing. Which is why I was totally shocked that I sent that first note in the first place. But again (not to keep beating a dead horse) in my mind, if my “plan” had worked the way I had envisioned it, it would have been a very NON dramatic way for things to have ended. It should have been the LEAST dramatic way… Stupid fail-proof plan…

I feel better already, for having written it. I feel as though my apology has been said – it is out there to be received and possibly accepted. I’ve done the best I can do to try and bring some peace to an unbearable situation.

Hopefully, this doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt like the last letter…