… That is what I am. I’ve been screwed for three months now – but before, I enjoyed it. Now, I am dealing with strictly the emotional aspect of being screwed. And I hate it. Loathe it. Despise it. Would gladly cut off my hand to ease the pain.
And yet, all of those fingers on that hand point to me when I wonder who is to blame. Yes, my MM is partially to blame. But really, the decision to cross the line was my choice. I could have stood up to his seduction. But I didn’t. And I fell for him.
He said he fell for me too. But like every other MM, couldn’t leave because he felt he owed it to his children to try to make his marriage work.
Unlike most MM, he never made any promises. He only told me he had never felt the connection we had with anyone and he wanted to see where it lead. The tiny bit of hope in that statement was enough for me, and I plunged into the deep end – one eye wide open, the other shut tight. It was amazing: amazingly wonderful and amazingly painful, all at once.
But in the end, I screwed it up. Mainly, because I couldn’t walk away on my own: I forced his hand by telling his wife.* All contact ceased from the moment he called me to tell me she knew and that they knew I was the one who had told. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a part of me felt a tinge of relief. But the other 99.9% of my mind and body has spent every moment since crying out for him.
I ache knowing that I hurt and betrayed him. I ache knowing that he will never understand that I actually did it to save both him and me – because ultimately, (I could see it coming) I was going to go stir-crazy, and jealous and all of the other ugliness that comes out. In my own twisted way, I hoped that my single line anonymous note** would cause him to back off. Maybe now, his marriage will work and he will find happiness.
I just have to learn to be okay understanding the costs that that involved.
Easier said than done.
*(I had tried to end it the week before, but he contacted me the next morning. [damn lack of control])
**(the note, which I will write more about another time, was more of a “check on your husband” type thing. No actual mention of an affair; she discovered that by actually doing what I suggested)
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August 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm
misfitmistress
if youve already mentioned this before, forgive me. but how did his wife and him know it was you if it was an anonymous letter?
August 20, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Heart Broken OW
misfit, I am going to write a post about it, because it is a long story and I think it gives insight into the desperation and anguish OW feel at times.
But in the end, I called the place I had sent it to and asked them to hold it so that I could pick it up. (I was sick to my stomach with regret) The lady in the mail room was very kind and helpful, so when I called back later, I was comfortable enough (stupid enough) to GIVE MY NAME!!!
I’m not sure how it went from that to what happened next; I think because of 9/11, mail is scarier to people, but they had security deliver it to her. She had to open it in front of them.
(see… the humiliation just keeps coming. *punch to the left* *zinger from the right* *here comes an uppercut*)
September 8, 2009 at 5:46 pm
(heart)Broken record « Heartbroken OW
[...] again I’m going to address the stupid note I’ve mentioned before (here and here). As I’ve said before, I tried to end it. When I did, I told him that it made no sense for me [...]